July 29, 1982
Dear God,
I’m messing up! My emotions aren’t being checked, and I’m acting on silly impulses and even processing my thoughts to the point where my symptoms get to the point where I must cry! (processing must be Recovery jargon and the neuroleptics I was still occasionally taking made a person very anxious to the point of despair. Compulsive thoughts over and over were a symptom I had on these drugs) I will need extra, extra strength to get through this. Well, I’ll save my asking for when I pray. I had a bad day. It was just a bad day, what it was, today sucked. (excuse my language: I’m picking up from someone at ___ (the name of one of my 1 week, 2 week jobs I had that year?)
Dear God,
Well, I think I’m doing better-so let it stay that way! I thank You for the strength you gave me tonight. I don’t think it was such a good idea talking about my running to Mom. It is a curse I say, I will break that curse! No more talking about this! I got a nice dress (skirt and blouse) and a cute bathing suit. (Bathing suit??? Perish the thought!) Tomorrow I go see Grandma to go swimming. G’nite may the angels rejoice of you in the heavens.
August 1, 1982
Dear God,
I got real emotional tonight, but I ended up controlling it before I acted out. The reason I lost it because Dad lost it (what else is new, he never changed) too I guess, and I was trying to get a very important point across. (wish I had known my “parents” were perp puppets then and not tried to reason with them) What I was trying to say was that I thought if I was left alone to make my own decisions in Feb, (when I was led in shackles by this city’s finest to the hospital like I was a convicted murderer) I would have eventually turned around by myself and started making a business of my mental health. But maybe not. I might have gotten so bad that it wouldn’t be funny. (being mind controlled by the occultic perps and the spychiatric establishment isn’t funny. Wonder how many of my hundreds of sessions with shrinks, counselors, and the like were REPORTED to perp central?) Ha! Who’s laughing? But let me talk more about this tomorrow night-if nothing worse happens. (A few years ago, I actually got a weak apology out of my father for the hospital/jail/lockup mess back then, but that’s it. The damage is done. I’m in a “jail” that will never go away, no matter where I move or who I meet.) Please see the countless web resources on gangstalking, organized stalking, and mind control to see what a ti goes through.
August 3, 1982
This fantasizing has become a regular practice. Please give me the strength t stop it. When I get emotionally desperate, or very depressed, I always look for relief, some way to escape my feelings. (I don’t even have that so much anymore. With the mind reading, which is real technology mentioned as early as the 1970s, they “comment” and put me down about my thoughts all day long.) The various ways of “running away” include running away itself, sleeping, fantasizing and even SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. When I get this gratification which is wrong because I end up doing crazy things. (suicide is crazy but fantasizing is a desperate attempt to escape the hellish world they have made for me) I am going to have to learn to cope with emotions better.
August 4, 1982
Is S____ Mr. ____??? (obviously the perps were already putting numerous perp lookalikes to rock stars in my path for me to obsess on. It has gotten very bad in the past few years..now the rock star lookalikes actually perp me. Now I find out that rock stars and other rich people are the elite and are involved in the occultic crap so now I wonder if I don’t occasionally see the real thing doing it to me for shits and giggles or because they were fooled into thinking I was the “reason for all their problems”) I don’t think so! It must be some silly sequence of coincidences! (Otherwise known as street theater: those damm whores were doing it to me back then!) Oh well, what I want to talk about tonite is mental medicine-namely stelazine (powerful neuroleptic introduced not long after Thorazine) I believe stelazine–if used regularly will be a valuable tool to aid me in getting well on the outs! (yeah right, stay on that shit and it will kill you! That shit takes 10 to 20 years off a lifespan and makes the quality of life so poor it’s not living at all) There are only a couple of bad things about stelazine usage: first, is “spacing out” and going into another world, another is fantasizing (misspelled?). If I can try to control my spacing with stelazine usage, then I’ve got almost a priceless aid in getting well. No discounting Your strength. (what a stupid, brainwashed person I was).
