Downcastmysoul’s Weblog

September 4, 1982

I just have nothing to write about tonight,but I will write about something.  As I’ve said in earlier entries, I fantasize a lot, and I am guilty about it.  The reason I fantasize is to escape the hell I’m living in.  When I don’t escape or fantasize, I tend to do even crazier things, because the hell gets to me.  What I need is another way to escape from this hell that isn’t so damaging.  But is fantasizing dangerous?  It might be in the sense that it prevents one from growing up and seeing the world as it really is.  G’nite

And when one sees the world as it really is, fantasizing becomes even more important as the knowledge of the evil of men can drive one crazy if one always thinks about it.  That is why the perps have attacked my fantasy life.  The only kind of escape “acceptable” to them seems to be TV for some reason:  guess the TV is really a mind control device after all.

September 5, 1982

Dear God, I guess I have nothing to talk about, exept that I don’t want to go to work tomorrow because I will be working with kids.  And I am scared.  I did nothing whatsoever to prepare myself for this.  I just kicked back today.  Oh well I guess I can back it since I talk to my counselor on tues.  I will have to give my goat a present to-morrow.  He deserves it.  Like I said I have nothing to talk about tonight. I’m really mad that they made me work a holiday like this without even asking me. That’s bad stuff. G’nite

September 6, 1982

Dear God, I was better tonight. I watched 2 1/2 hours of movie tonight. Sometimes I doubt you I prayed to you not get upset over any kid who picked on me, yet I was so upset I took 2 of my pills and totally spaced out.  I need all the help you can give.  Is this a punishment for fantasizing about the rock stars since I promised not to?  Please give me a second chance not to fantasize, for I must not get upset over my co-workers. G’nite

Obviously the “punishment” I had was doled out by mind control perps, and the “hell” I was living in was partly neuroleptic side effects and partly the mind control synthesized depression/anxiety they put on me.

September 7, 1982

I lack something to write exept please stop punishing me oh Dear God. I’ve really tried to-day.  I’ll talk about my project tomorrow. G’nite

Note from July 1999:  Jobs haven’t changed–I am still treated as a 10th-class citizen, only given “easy” tasks, and generally nitpicked to death, while my co-workers get away with murder.  This note goes with the Sept 8 post below.

Now I’m perped into taking the “dole” for years now and being m/c to death.

September 8, 1982

Dear God, I will talk about what my boss said tonight. He first said that a lot of the bosses were complaining that I was arguing with what they said.  I was.  ___ says I have to follow what they bosses say and not argue.  I disagree.  The bosses are sticking me as a 10th class employee and are always sticking me with things like bussing tables and taking names.  As if I were brand new.  They think I’m no good, and I’m just trying to fight against it.  Well I’ve given up my fighting does no good.  More tomorrow. G’nite

That job was a nightmare.  One of many “nightmare” jobs where it was just a relief to be fired in the long run.

September 10, 1982

Dear God, my goodness what a tough day! First a terrible fight with my mother, getting fired from my job, now a car accident my dear. I really can’t believe I’m around tonight. It must have been all the pills I took. (what, the 2 I took that night?  Hope I didn’t take “extras” other days as well.  Those pills, well I could go on about them, but not now.) Well Dad will see what happened about the job, but I think that they were just looking for a excuse to fire me anyway. same ol same ol 7/99 That makes me mad. I think they should have at least given me advance warning that I was to be terminated. It’s a cruel world. G’nite

Managers don’t give advance notice of termination because of the fear employees would retaliate by stealing or destroying employer’s property.  Why then, must employees give notice..hahahaha

September 11, 1982 (before this date was so important, it was just Sep 11.  19 years later it changed us and not for the better)

I forgot what I was going to write about Dear God. I’m really being low and hopeless now, and all I want to do is sit around and feel sorry for myself.  Why did I lose my job? Why did I run away? Why? The car accident and my parents saved me from  1.getting too far and 2. getting locked up. For with my history-well I dunno it would have to be totally up to my parents whether I got locked up or not. Maybe not. G’nite

I made the foolish decision after getting fired from the job to stick out my thumb and had just gotten a ride heading out of town when the car spun out of control all over the highway.  The man driving was not hurt at all and I only had cuts and bruises, though I might have sustained some kind of internal damage that didn’t show up until much later, like about 1996 or so when I was on some MORE of those neuroleptics that “didn’t have side effects”. They could have hauled me back to the hospital after that and they didn’t. Who knows what would have happened then? I see the Hand of God in all this and I see Him working in my life for this entire year! By 1986-1987 I had it together enough that I could have had a good life if the “perping” had not started then.