Call this post backstabbers….(smile to your face)

December 30, 2007 at 4:18 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags:

An old song, I know…but this next diary entry is about that.

August 13, 1982

Skipped another night, when will I learn?  Oh well, let me see, I want to talk about the “other person problem” AGAIN.  But this will be the last night.  This is a sub-problem entitled “just us two”, which I will discuss.  (How about the unholy dance of the backstabbers?)  When I am alone with one other person, that person is nice, often syrupy sweet nice.  He or she will listen to all my problems, make vows to friendship, and act like my best buddy–life long friend.  But, when another person comes along well that is a different story which I know all too well.

August ??? 1982

“A vacation to remember”, and I hope a good one at that. I want to make this vacation real fun and “problem free”.  I hope to just take my meds and not talk about my problems or complain.  I also hope to get in no fights and have one heck of a good time!  I want this to be the first good vacation I’ve ever had. (some past vacations were O.K. but not GREAT.) (I had such great expectations:  oh well, going from the locked ward to a vacation in like 7 weeks seemed very good at the time!)  I will bring up this journal with me for my praying and talking with (to) You does not go on vacation.  G’nite.  (I will bring this journal with me for my praying and talking with (to) You, who never goes on vacation.  Another adolescent brain fart.  I do not see where I posted about my brief vacation that I had with my folks.  It was OK…don’t really remember anything about it except I went horseback riding once and we stayed in a fancy hotel at one of our stops.  Just remembered something.  We went into the town that we were staying outside of and we went to a restaurant for dinner.  A real one, not fast food.  My mother ordered a drink and acted relaxed and loose.  I had rarely seen her that way in my short life.  I asked to taste her drink.  Whew! nasty…when I was old enough to go to bars I never got that drink.  I want it shaken not stirred and dry, very dry).

August 14, 1982

Dear God,  I would first like to discuss Interpretation, the day-long process.  Ex.  I say something to Mom and she doesn’t respond.  (She didn’t hear me or probably just nodded her head.  I take it as a rejection.  I do that all day long blow the little-lest things up into big rejections.  I do this probably because I’m so scared of rejection, and I expect it, I look for trouble.  This is what happens when I’m with a group of kids.  Even when the “other person” problem isn’t there I think it’s there.  II.  “the big sacrifice”  (had posted this before but it was out of order..part of August 14 post.)  I know I’m sick, but I don’t want to go back to the hospital.  To go back to the hospital would mean sub-average living conditions, strict rules, and kids!  This would be a sacrifice.  But staying on the “outs” means less therapy and much longer time, if at all, to get well.  (Don’t worry kid, “they” won’t “let” you get “well”.  “They” will lay off for awhile when you are college age and you will start feeling and acting better.  Your therapist will say you are “well”.  A few months later, the real stalking begins.  Two years later, your therapist will be trying to put you on the antipsychotic meds you fought so hard to get off of.)  So there is a sacrifice on both ends.  I choose to sacrifice good therapy and getting well quick to stay on the freedom of the “outs”.  I know this might be the wrong decision.  (Best one I ever made.  Targets in hospitals are routinely mistreated and perped.  If that senior staff member had convinced me to go back in that place who knows what might have happened to me out of “revenge” against me taking off?  I did go back a year later and literally went up to the gate to be let back in when I wasn’t doing well at home and the counselor that came to the gate said I was way beyond that place already, like I was too “well” or too “mature” to live there anymore.  Glad that senior staff member wasn’t the one who came to the gate.)  But I need support in what I’ve chosen and above all, I need STRENGTH!  G’nite.

August 15, 1982

“The Final Rejection”  Ex.  A kid who was very friendly when I went into “that dreaded place” finally turned against me in 10 days.)  I wonder why everybody now excepted except my family always rejects me. (Perp lies, perp lies.  As for the family just you wait.)  Well I have ideas, and it might be a curse, but still it mostly remains a mystery.  If everyone else rejects me, even adults, my family will have to reject me finally.  They’ll get sick of my misbehavior and say we tried but we just don’t want you.  I’m so scared this will happen.  G’nite  more tomorrow

August 17, 1982

Dear God,  “Reject before rejected”  I commonly do this,  I will act aloof (the kids think it’s stuck-up) but I’m really just scared of rejection.  I will act really shy and apart because I think “why should I try and be friends?  In the end, I’ll get rejected anyway.”  Which is almost always true.  It is not worth my while to make relationships that won’t last a month week? day?  I figure this is a way of coping that I can do for a while at least till I’m better.  I guess I’ll do this.  Although I’ll attempt adults since they don’t pick on you.  (Hell they don’t, they are just better at it and more subtle and can really screw with your life in a way that kids can’t.  About the grammar and puntuation:  I am trying to now post how I actually wrote the diary with the grammar mistakes still in there.  Maybe I will leave the misspellings (but not typos) in there as well.  Otherwise it seems like an adult trying to publish an adolescent dropout’s diary with an adult’s knowledge of writing.)

Leave a Comment

August continues

December 29, 2007 at 7:54 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: ,

August 7, 1982

Dear God,

I have a beef (a beef with God?) but I will bring it up when I pray to you.  I will talk about the “other person” problem tonight.  When I am with one other person, the conversation is fine, since he or she will give me undivided attention, but when another person joins the group, the conversation slips away from me, and I get left our almost all of the time. (Not to say all I did was talk about myself but that the other person was only talking to me as a last resort and was ashamed of me and would all but shut me out when anyone else appeared.) This “handicap” is one of the hardest to cope with of all my social problems.  More about this tomorrow night. G’nite

August 8, 1982

Dear God,

I will continue writing on the “other person” problem.  One of the factors of why I get “slipped away” is because I’m so preoccupied that I can’t keep up with the conversation, also, some of the counselors at that dreaded place said my brain has slowed down from so many years of being alone–which must be bull because my new counselor said my thinking (mental) was just fine. (No, what would happen, is that the other people in the group would move off and create another circle and shut me out. Literally.  If only two others, they would edge away and I’d be left standing there.) She says the problem is just emotional.  I hope this is true.  More tomorrow nite.  G’nite

August 9, 1982

Dear God,

More about the “other person” problem.  When another person joins the conversation, the person I was with originally treats me differently.  He or she seems to ignore me or “throw me away” so it seems like they were talking to me just because they had no one else to talk to. (probably all perps anyway) I may be interpreting this, but it happens all the time without fail, this is one of my worst problems and is a major barrier in developing social relationships. “One person at a time please.” Just a quote.  Now I want to talk about something called free will.  (or free willy???) I always pray to You and ask for strength to do 4 various things for me which you know what they are. (16 year old brain fart?)  I ask you for the strength to do these or not to do these depending on what it is.  But what I am wondering is whether I have to “want” not to do these things or do do these things before Your power works.  In other words, Is it I that must choose?  i.e. if I choose to fantasize does that mean You are powerless to give me strength to stop?  I believe in You always. G’nite

August 11 1982

Dear God,

I will now talk about another problem, Interpreting:  is it rejection or is it in my mind?  I often wonder especialy in “other person” instances if I am imgining a lot of this rejection, and by insisting that I’m being rejected, finally end up being so. (Bullshit..perp people or fake frendz have told me that crap all my life.  I’m not so stupid or blind to see rejection when it happens.  They would use that or the old shit that so and so was “having a bad day” to mollify me and to use it to put me off from searching for the truth). Something I’ll say to a person like “you don’t really like me, do you?” and of course, they’ll say “I like you.”  But I keep insisting that they don’t like me so they end up not liking me.  What starts as imagination may end up as reality.  More tomorrow.  G’nite  (what I didn’t know is that people would rather not admit they hate you unless they want you to KNOW they do.  There are two kinds of people in my world..the perps who are in my face hating and the people I know who covertly hate me and “talk” to me but use long silences, smirks and other “clues” they are “in” with them.  Also, they mysteriously won’t talk about “certain topics” even after they did once before.)

Leave a Comment

more later–here’s one entry

December 29, 2007 at 10:58 am (Uncategorized)

August 6, 1982

Dear God,

I don’t have inner strength.  In Recovery I tricked myself into believing I did, but you see where I ended up. (being tricked??? man, I hate that!  Of course the one fooling me is really is probably a controlled stooge of perp central but man, that SUCKS.  Fooling yourself???  Double sucks). Behind locked doors. (even the “yard” we were allowed to be outside in had a huge fence..just like a real prison…) I rely totally on Your strength now, until I get better at least.  I will believe any good was expected through You, not me.  This way you are responsible for me.  I want no one but You to be responsible for me.  Please give me strength.

Leave a Comment

next installment..stay tuned for more exitement

December 28, 2007 at 2:15 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , ,

psychiatry kills

July 29, 1982

Dear God,

I’m messing up!  My emotions aren’t being checked, and I’m acting on silly impulses and even processing my thoughts to the point where my symptoms get to the point where I must cry! (processing must be Recovery jargon and the neuroleptics I was still occasionally taking made a  person very anxious to the point of despair.  Compulsive thoughts over and over were a symptom I had on these drugs) I will need extra, extra strength to get through this.  Well, I’ll save my asking for when I pray.  I had a bad day.  It was just a bad day, what it was, today sucked. (excuse my language:  I’m picking up from someone at ___ (the name of one of my 1 week, 2 week jobs I had that year?)

Dear God,

Well, I think I’m doing better-so let it stay that way!  I thank You for the strength you gave me tonight.  I don’t think it was such a good idea talking about my running to Mom.  It is a curse I say, I will break that curse!  No more talking about this!  I got a nice dress (skirt and blouse) and a cute bathing suit.  (Bathing suit??? Perish the thought!)  Tomorrow I go see Grandma to go swimming.  G’nite may the angels rejoice of you in the heavens.

August 1, 1982

Dear God,

I got real emotional tonight, but I ended up controlling it before I acted out.  The reason I lost it because Dad lost it (what else is new, he never changed) too I guess, and I was trying to get a very important point across. (wish I had known my “parents” were perp puppets then and not tried to reason with them) What I was trying to say was that I thought if I was left alone to make my own decisions in Feb, (when I was led in shackles by this city’s finest to the hospital like I was a convicted murderer) I would have eventually turned around by myself and started making a business of my mental health.  But maybe not.  I might have gotten so bad that it wouldn’t be funny. (being mind controlled by the occultic perps and the spychiatric establishment isn’t funny.  Wonder how many of my hundreds of sessions with shrinks, counselors, and the like were REPORTED to perp central?) Ha!  Who’s laughing? But let me talk more about this tomorrow night-if nothing worse happens. (A few years ago, I actually got a weak apology out of my father for the hospital/jail/lockup mess back then, but that’s it.  The damage is done.  I’m in a “jail” that will never go away, no matter where I move or who I meet.)  Please see the countless web resources on gangstalking, organized stalking, and mind control to see what a ti goes through.

August 3, 1982

This fantasizing has become a regular practice.  Please give me the strength t stop it.  When I get emotionally desperate, or very depressed, I always look for relief, some way to escape my feelings. (I don’t even have that so much anymore.  With the mind reading, which is real technology mentioned as early as the 1970s, they “comment” and put me down about my thoughts all day long.) The various ways of “running away” include running away itself, sleeping, fantasizing and even SUICIDE ATTEMPTS.  When I get this gratification which is wrong because I end up doing crazy things. (suicide is crazy but fantasizing is a desperate attempt to escape the hellish world they have made for me) I am going to have to learn to cope with emotions better.

August 4, 1982

Is S____ Mr. ____??? (obviously the perps were already putting numerous perp lookalikes to rock stars in my path for me to obsess on.  It has gotten very bad in the past few years..now the rock star lookalikes actually perp me.  Now I find out that rock stars and other rich people are the elite and are involved in the occultic crap so now I wonder if I don’t occasionally see the real thing doing it to me for shits and giggles or because they were fooled into thinking I was the “reason for all their problems”) I don’t think so!  It must be some silly sequence of coincidences! (Otherwise known as street theater:  those damm whores were doing it to me back then!) Oh well, what I want to talk about tonite is mental medicine-namely stelazine (powerful neuroleptic introduced not long after Thorazine) I believe stelazine–if used regularly will be a valuable tool to aid me in getting well on the outs! (yeah right, stay on that shit and it will kill you!  That shit takes 10 to 20 years off a lifespan and makes the quality of life so poor it’s not living at all) There are only a couple of bad things about stelazine usage:  first, is “spacing out” and going into another world, another is fantasizing (misspelled?).  If I can try to control my spacing with stelazine usage, then I’ve got almost a priceless aid in getting well.  No discounting Your strength. (what a stupid, brainwashed person I was).

Leave a Comment

fourth installment–only 6 wks out of hosp

December 27, 2007 at 3:04 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: , ,

July 22, 1982

Dear God, I talked with __ today (hospital staff member) today, and he doesn’t think I have a very good chance of getting well on the “outs” because of my lack of motivation. (oh I had motivation a plenty!  Just the thought of going back to that lock-up was enough to keep me on the straight and narrow–with a few exceptions–for decades..BTW I have NOT had another inpatient hospital stay since that time…take that mr. ___!!!)  But I told him I liked the “outs” (note prison terminology used by the staff and patients of hospital that I picked up while there.  Wonder if our perps are similarly institutionalized and inculcated with prison terminology in mental lockups and told to either perp or be re-institutionalized or be a ti!?) anyhow, so he said I was making the “wrong decision”, (yeah right, like I’d CHOOSE to be locked up again!!!!  Stupid smuck!!!  muwhahahah.  Did that fool think I’d come back?  I was scared the whole meeting since my parents and I had to go into the ward to have the meeting and I was afraid they’d force me to stay there.  Boy was I relieved when were outside again in the air and the big old gate clicked behind me!) which might be true, but I don’t ever want to go back and be locked up and you know that I will give a total cure a crack. (A crack???  Must not have heard of “crack” the drug yet.  Maybe he was giving me a veiled threat by saying I “was making the wrong decision” and now I would be a stalked target for life.  Well, well, well, would I have been allowed to live my life w/o surveillance, stalking, and mindcontrol if I had gone back for at least 3 more months of lockup (that is what they wanted)??  Who knows).  I’m getting new hope in Recovery (the program that had failed me in the recent past as of that post) Maybe they can help me get well.  I don’t know but I’ll give Recovery a crack. (Again???  well back in the good old days when I was a kid there were horses and buggies as well and “gay” meant to be happy….)

July 24, 1982

Well, another two days has passed but I’m back again.  We had a fun time at the dog race–although we lost.  I am skirting serious issues here, but it’s O.K. I just don’t feel like talking about them tonight.  Well, tomorrow I get my strength back so I am glad for that. tomorrow I have no specific plans but I pray to you it will be a good healthy peace of mind day.  My praise to You and goodnight, God.

July 25, 1982

Dear God, I thank you for the extra strength you give me till I get another kind of strength from Recovery tomorrow night, hope Recovery will help dispel the fear I have of my “illness” and give me hope for health. We “mentally ill” (I meant the perps, of COURSE, not ME,  well, actually at the time, they had convinced me I was “sick” but would not tell me what my “diagnosis” was) don’t trust our impulses emotions, etc..we must learn to believe in ourselves, and on top of that, not do crazy things.  Many thanks for what You’ve done. (tonight and tomorrow)

July 26, 1982

Dear God, Recovery was a disappointment.  I didn’t get the spiritual hope I expected.  All it brought back was sickness and bad memories of sick days.  I am still sick but I believe I was sicker then.  I just didn’t  really get into what H. was saying, his advise seemed shallow, not mentioning a few other things, it probably isn’t shallow, but that ’s how it seemed to me.  I left the meeting feeling old (wtf??? at 16???  What about now??? I must be ANCIENT now) and sick and not refreshed. (I did not know only God can refresh us by His Word and by the people he puts in our lives to love us. NOT PERPS!!!) and newly encouraged. I think You’re trying to tell me Recovery can’t help, although I’m not sure I hope so, because? Recovery …is so much spotting and intellectualizing and the like, maybe I make it too hard on myself like H said, but I just don’t believe Recovery can help.  I’m a typical nervous person, but I must find my strength elsewhere in a method that is up-to-date, now, and with it.  My love for You is old-fashioned–more or less my fear of you. G’nite.

July 28, 1982

Dear God,

I am going to devote this entry to talking about my work which I have avoided the past two nights.  I will stay at my aunt’s until Friday, and on Friday night I’ll go home for the weekend or for a while. (The while being until I’m 18).  (actually it took me quite a bit longer than that to leave “home”.)  Monday I will start looking for a job around my home, and until I get another job, I’ll keep this one or until I get fired whichever comes first.  On the job, I will make calls straight through, stopping only to go to the bathroom.  The only exception is at 6:00 when I will take a break with coffee and cigarettes. (How healthy!  I’m not sure by this post whether I still had a job or not and/or was looking for another job!  Can’t figure it out!)  I will make all my callbacks till 7:30.  The reason (one of the reasons) I will quit this job is no appointments! (Guess it was one of those horrible commission only phone jobs!)  Also some other rules:  no complaining to boss, (why? there must be reasons, one of them being poor __ can only only take so much).  Memorizing the speil as ___ wrote it and ad-libbing a little, and talking slowly with pauses for a good affect (effect?) Also, not as a rule, but humor helps.  (Oh dear, I hang up on or don’t answer sales calls!  I don’t think people should bother people at home on the phone at all!  It’s such an intrusion!  I get intruded on enough as a ti.) 

1 Comment

third installment

December 27, 2007 at 1:37 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: , ,

July 17, 1982

I guess now I know the truth, you really give me help to help myself, (although what you did when I ran away still holds me in awe) (I had escaped that hospital on pass and although my lovely parents had called the FBI on me I was never caught nor brought back to the hospital/jail even after I came back here to this city “the prison”.  Other patients who had gone off on pass were caught and returned to the ward usually heavily drugged.)  I hope you will give me the inner strength I need for the next year or so to help control my emotions and fears enough to not get myself in trouble again.  I will sacrifice not only to give up various pleasures for your help but also because I know they are good for me since I have chosen them myself (with your help).  Please give me strength to control myself o’ God who has helped me so much.

July 18, 1982

Dear god, I want to thank you today for giving me the strength to cope.  I will try my best with the sacrifices (what am I talking about I’m doing them), and I will work even harder once I am in therapy.  I need this strength to keep me out of trouble.  So many people have tried to convince me I’m sick, but I must prove to myself I’m strong and mentally healthy. (To this day, the freaks surround me with people who try to convince me I’m “sick” and need the freak establishment’s pills to be “healthy”.  Damm all you liars)  I am NOT a sick kid.  Please help me.

July 19, 1982

Dear God, I have to talk to you, may I use two pages?  I don’t think this is worthy of a sacrifice.  Well, I feel weakness coming upon me, and I’m afraid some evil force (possibly the devil) tries to tell me f*cking up is the way to go. (excuse my French).  (Probably my handler/controller at the time who wished me to end back up in the hospital forever.  They would threaten us kid patients that if we didn’t behave we would not be set free even when we were 18, but put in with the adult patients for life.  If that had happened my dear parents and all the other haters in my life would have been able to dispose of me forever.  This gangstalking/mind control/life destruction is what they came up with INSTEAD of lifetime hospitilization I believe sometimes) The strength you have given me is great and I have felt it today. but I’m afraid, so afraid the evil force will overcome your strength I will run away, or do something crazy like that again, and I’ll be dragged back to spend my life in an institution.  So I want to beg something of you:  may I please ask?  Would You, Awesome Force, (like the name?) please if I do the sacrifices, let me hang in there till I talk to ___ and not do any crazy things to be dragged back again?  (I change or delete names to protect the guilty, the the person referred to was my “senior staff” member in charge of my “care” at the hospital.  He was just a perp tool who was always telling my parents how wonderful they were and that I was a willful manipulative child who needed “treatment” locked up in his ward.  I was suspicious of him even back then). You see, well, I am only human, and I need to see if he can offer me a special program. (I have no idea of what this “special program” would be but I assume it would be something I could follow outside of the confines of the locked hospital ward.  As usual, it’s been way too many years to figure that one out.)  If he can, well maybe, maybe you won’t have to work so hard, but please, o’ God, please keep me from being dragged back against my will, I deep down think freedom is the best answer even if I have to sacrifice A#1. (I guess I meant to sacrifice my selfishness or self centeredness, not giving up steak sauce). I will keep up on my sacrifices. BYE

July 20, 1982

Dear God, I am changing I guess.  I realized these sacrifices and stuff have just been made up by me in an effort to hold onto something that you will constantly hold me up if I give up various pleasures. (Were they a product of my own mind or an idea of my handler to appease him/her?)  Well, I’m getting my new ideas from my aunt, who has been helped a great deal by you, and has lived and even flourished through much pain.  She says You don’t want sacrifices, but merely your love and devotion, and most of all the belief in You as the Only God.  So, I’ve decided that now since I am “off the run”, you have sort of left me (not totally) but you don’t around showing me Your Awesome Deeds. You have left me with a lot of strength (which I must tap and use) to cope with my emotions so I don’t do crazy and stupid things.  But it is up to me to use it.  God helps those who help themselves.  What I will do then is keep some of the sacrifices just for my personal help and show my thanks and love to you in various ways.  There is no set program as of yet.  I thank you for one more day of freedom. (or “freedom” if you will.  A ti might not be in a jail or institution but they are never free.  Constant harassment, surveillance, mind reading/mind control and manipulation of life events make us slaves).  BTW my freaks threatened me for continuing to write this.  Just thought I’d let you know, dear reader.

Leave a Comment

the next five days

December 26, 2007 at 9:54 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: , ,

Here are five more days in 1982:

July 9, 1982

…can I slide tonight and drink a little and jam out?

Dear God,

I’m a bit upset about Mary tonight.  (must have been a “stupidvisor” at one of the “jobs” I had in 1982 but for the life of me I forget who she is).  I wasn’t so diplomatic, so, she said “if you don’t like it, f*ck off!!!  We don’t give a damm about you so git!”  Well, I was rude anyway, so it’s just learning how to quit a job gracefully and not make an enemy  (Well she isn’t really an ENEMY) (Smells like perp to me..who was that mean bitch who said that to me when I quit a job, probably one of those shit phone jobs.) in the process.  My mom told me not to tell her that (what did I tell her)? but I did, so all she could say in defense was “if you don’t like it f*ck off!”  Well, I handled it well afterwards, I called Grandma instead of hitchiking…(wonder what that meant?  why would I hitchike after losing a job?  maybe I meant I would run away???)  Well maybe not tonight about the drinking, but can I fantasize?  You tried to tell me to keep the job, but I didn’t.  I was weak.  I don’t deserve to fantasize tonight.  (Shit, it’s a wonder after all the crap I took that year I didn’t go on DRUGS much less just daydream, smoke, and drink a little).  G’nite

July 11, 1982

I really messed up, and You punished me–mildly, to my good fortune.  (So, how did “God” or the pagan perp lord of the NWO “punish” me?)  I just have to find things to occupy my time, and to not get over-emotional when somebody is not nice to me.  I must get tough since I get the wear and tear any other person gets (maybe more) (just how much more I had no idea until over 20 years later.) I gotta go with the punches.  I “gave away” the JD (whiskey!) now I won’t entertain thoughts of messing up at night.  I got to keep the horror of the hospital in mind to keep my behavior in line but I must not be so fearful that it plays havoc with my emotions. (Here in Amerika we learn the kids hard and early to live in fear of hospitals/jails so they will stay in line..muwahahaha.  Oh shit.)

July 12, 1982

My “sacrifices”:  No fantasizing, no listening to radio or records for solely my own pleasure, helping people out, and of course, this journal.  I don’t follow all my sacrifice all the time (to put it lightly).  What am I to do?  No “programs” or plans–I left those at the  hospital.  (I guess we had goal setting sessions and personal therapy plans at the hospital.) But what must I do to wean myself off the rock music???  I have done something, I have made a couple of appointments with counselors (at cut rates) for consultations.  Maybe the counselor I finally choose will have some ideas.  I hope so.  Fantasizing, sometimes, I can willfully control it, sometimes not.  I hope you don’t punish me for my bad behavior.

July 13, 1982

I’m too guilty to write, you know why.  (please fill me in, my memory ain’t what it used to be.  Probably something trivial like listening to the radio too much. :-) ……

July 14, 1982

I knew there was something I had forgotten to do.  Write in my journal.  Well I’m not trying too hard to get a job, and my folks aren’t exactly pressuring me either.  I think they have the dim hope that I might go back to high school which is possible.  Oh well, I’ll get a job.  Not just for the contract you know.  (the state made me and my parents go in for an appointment and I was made to abide by a contract this lady and my parents made up.  It involved taking “those pills” but I only took them intermittently after having had a hellish withdrawal in June of that year after leaving the hospital er-unexpectedly.  I think I finally quit them for good in fall of that year or early the next.) I’d like some new clothes and I’d like my car back and oh, what else?  Oh yeah, my collection. (Of what, I wonder?) Maybe I’d work harder at it huh?  Well, I will try.  That phone sales job just wasn’t for me.  G’nite

July 15, 1982

Dear God,

I met Ms. ___.  She’s pretty cool.  She’s real mellow, and she has some good ideas.  She wants to keep me out of the hospital, which is the most important thing.  Well, I might go back to?? (have no idea) I hope she can get me to give up my fantasies completely like I did 6 months ago.  I started going downhill with that dammed (scuse me) Recovery, which did it! (actually it was the poison neuroleptics that an evil psychiatrist put me on.  Scary but true:  I was working a pt job and saw this person listed as one of the docs on staff at this hospital!  I got perped horribly at that job, too.  Guess this person was “notified” I was “coming” and made sure I was perped all to hell there). That “spotting” was just wearing me out and I just didn’t want to work.  Of course, I found out what that could do!  (Spotting was this thing you did in Recovery…you gave yourself some kind of corrective talk when you had wrong thoughts like “low feelings” and a host of other things I forgot.  Well since I probably had perps putting crap thoughts in my mind all the time I must have “spotted” 100s of times a day and drove myself to insanity with that and the neuroleptics).  I wish I could do my “sacrifices” as well as You work for me!

A note:  I remember now that when I started this journal I was a mere month out of the hospital!  It was a miracle I kept it together so well and did not go back there!  I was very motivated however!  Teen psych lockup was not pretty or fun!

Leave a Comment

first diary post.

December 26, 2007 at 7:26 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: ,

Well, here it is. My first diary post.  I will change a few identifying items and other things in the diary that made me sound like a whack job, but it’s essentially what I wrote in 1982 when I was still in high school (well dropped out).  I just feel it may be of historical interest because it’s 25 years old (well before Internet) and to show targets that we are targets long before the overt stalking takes place.  I will place my 2007 comments in the text in another color and any other comments from another reading (like from 2000) in yet another color.  If you are color blind and/or surf in black and white just look for parentheses.  This diary is one of those old cloth bound journals that are still being sold today.  Mine was bound in courdroy.  Those pants were really popular back then unless you were plus sized and then they made quite a noise as you walked.  LOL.

Entry #1  July 4, 1982

Dear God,

I thought it would be nice to write a diary of sorts in order to record my feelings and have something to refer back to later on! (much later on)  I thought also it would be nice to write to You since You have helped me so much.  I will try much harder to pray (I left my rock records at home, well, it will be my home eventually) (those were parentheses from 1982 in plain text).  Well, today was July 4th, interesting isn’t it?  I am free and it’s July 4th!  I was supposed to meet Jim by now, but I must sacrifice certain things in the pursuit of freedom, right? (don’t remember who Jim was).  P.S….would you reveal yourself to me?

July 5, 1982

 Dear God,

I am sort of facing up to my problems.  I had a problem with some guys walking up to the drugstore, and I came to a resolution, but you know how things continue to bother me and a I get “low feelings” nevertheless. (these encounters, hostile encounters with strangers, continue.  I was already being targetted on a small scale with the organized stalking and probably mind control)  I can’t get the resolution clear in my head and the feelings come back.  Sometimes it seems fantasizing is the only way out (compulsive daydreaming, the only way out of my nightmare life up to that point.  It was a great escape until the perps started using the Voice to Skull tech and mindreading tech on me) but I’ll try to control that.  I think I’ll call Harry now.  (leader of a local support group for those with “mental illness”)  I’m gonna tighten my belt and deal with my low feelings.

July 6, 1982

Dear God,

I want to compose a prayer from me to you in which I will ask what I really want out of life right now. (Gawd Damm that sappy man was a f*ckin sh*tty heartbreaker.)  Whew!  (Some cute man on the bus who was mean to me?  An early perp?  Early street theater?)  Well, I got that out of my system!  Hold it, I gotta go to the bathroom–this prayer is important.  (LOL I guess God waited).  Here it is!  I pray not for great beauty, many friends,, or fame…I pray only to be reasonably mentally healthy enough to function in this world (or not to be locked up..later comment) and to also not be riddled by fears of sickness and heartache; and to also keep the good side of my personality (humor etc…)  This is all I ask.  I will keep up on my prayers.  Bye

July 7, 1982

I ran out of room because I only write a page a day so this is continued.  Dear God, the devil makes me do it!  He get my emotions in a bind, and I do crazy things like going out and spending $10 on booze, fantasizing, listening to the radio, buying a record album (remember those?  I did not even have a Walkman until 1987 or so!!! I used to listen to the radio and play RECORDS or cassettes all the time.  I bought my first music CD in 2005 (sheepish grin).  Whoever sold alcohol to a 16 year old was blind or stupid, but, back then, the laws about underage selling weren’t so stringent and we had an 18 drinking age in the state until at least the mid 80s.) then CHANTING the lyrics!  Well, not exactly chanting them, but reading them.  When will this stop?  I need to pray more.  Well, writing is part of my prayer life. (I didn’t use the term “prayer life” in 1982).  Changing the subject here (not that this isn’t an important subject).  I don’t think Recovery will fit into my life for many reasons, and one reason is You.  (Recovery is/was an organization for people with mental problems to learn how to deal with feelings and emotions and avoid hospitalizations if I remember correctly.  Google it, I did awhile ago, and it was still operating.  It was founded by a German named Dr. Low.  We had to listen to his tapes and his accent was so thick I could barely understand him.  Why God did not fit into going to Recovery meetings I will never know.)  Do You capitalize your name?  I dunno.  Another reason, I can apply the same common sense without all those silly sayings.

July 8, 1982

Well–Dear God, my album was pretty good, but I put it away even before I had listned to all the tracks–you said I could jam out to it, but I’m glad it’s up in the closet.  (Did GOD say I could listen to the album, or a PERP?  Who or what was I listening to for guidance then?  The closet was at my folks’ house where I kept all my rock collection until the early 1990s when it spread all over my room.  After that I had moved out and then all the cassettes/records messed up my apartment).   It’s nice being home for a night but I’m so scared–it’s like I’m on “pass” from ”that dreaded place” (state mental hospital, yes, the state mental hospital because I DARED to ask for help as an adolescent.  It started with a local shrink that prescribed those dreadful neuroleptics that put me in a deep depression, a suicide attempt and then forced hospitilization.  A side effect of schizo drugs, especially to those who don’t have schizophrenia, is despondent depression and huge anxiety.  I see it playing out in someone’s life now..plus, withdrawing from them is a BITCH.  I have been put on them and have had to withdraw several times).  Oh please in my prayer that was #1 to never be watched or locked up again because of my incompetency.  (Or perp setups..I guess I am WATCHED all the time anyway.)  I’m making it now.  Oh, thank You for Your help! 

Well, those are the first 5 entries..more to come.

Leave a Comment

way back when

December 23, 2007 at 3:07 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , ,

I have had several gangstalking/mind control blogs but here I start again.  I was going over an old diary I had from 1982?! and I realized that I have been a targetted individual (ti) a lot longer than I thought.  It’s probably been going on all my life.  I should post the diary with a few name changes, etc…to show.  It’s a genuine diary, written in pencil, right after I was discharged from a mental hospital after reaching out for help with my “social” problems at school and being put on medication and the whole thing.  I also put a few “addendums” for it from like, 1999, 2000, etc.  I did not really believe I was a ti until 2005 and had not even heard of it until 2000 at all, so it was interesting to see what I wrote.  I have another little notebook of stuff I wrote from about the 2000/2001 time period as well, mainly Bible verses on  how to deal with persecution etc..very interesting reading.  How sad were those posts I made in my ignorance.  In the 1982 diary I mainly blamed myself for my problems.  How sad.

Leave a Comment

Hello world!

December 23, 2007 at 3:00 am (Uncategorized)

Hello,

Hope to blog here about my nightmarish experiences as a ti.

1 Comment

« Older entries